Melbourne’s unique culture provides a lot of comedy, both to Melbournians and to everyone else, who love to mock us for our coffee snobbery and hipster lifestyle. But we’re more than overpriced oat lattes and rich inner-city teens LARPing as working-class folk. Beyond the Fitzroy garage parties and pretentious cafes are a complex culture and a sense of camaraderie. 

For the average Melbournian, $18 smashed avo toast and beetroot lattes don’t even scratch the surface of Melbourne culture. Having a snag at the MCG, expertly dodging teenage boys asking you to buy them a vape, and trying not to be hit get by a bloody tram is a bit more like it. All while holding an expensive cappuccino, of course.

There are a number of niche Melbourne in-jokes that only a true local can fully understand.

Our weather can’t make up its damn mind

This is our punishment for saying we wanted a White Christmas and an opportunity to wear Christmas sweaters.

We frequently battle fires, floods, earthquakes, super hot days, freezing cold days, humid days, windy days, foggy days and dry dusty days. And in all types of weather, Melbournians will bond over complaining about the weather.

Everybody knows each other

In fact, Melbourne is so interconnected that there is a Facebook group for Melbourne girls to find out if they have the same boyfriend as somebody else. 

Melbourne has one man, he’s just very stealthy and ninja-like. 

The Montague Street Bridge walked so the Suez Canal could run

After a well-deserved break, the bridge finally came out of hibernation and claimed another victim, and thus normalcy was returned to Melbourne. 

The government should consider moving the Montague Street Bridge to the border as a defence against pandemics. Infected particles won’t be able to get under the mighty truck swallower.

The divide over what to call potato cakes is Australia’s civil war

We should all ban together and boycott Mcdonald's. Not only did they try to monopolise the iconic potato cake, they are selling it under the wrong name. 

Everything is a free tram zone if you’re brave enough

Oh, you sweet summer child. His faith in us is adorable, but the truth is: we’re fare-evading.

We can’t afford houses, and it’s not because we spend all our money on avocado toast

That’s right, the privilege of living in an asbestos-filled shack in an inner-city suburb only costs you the small price of selling your internal organs on the black market. 

We have our own uniform

Not many cities can say that they have their own uniform. Wild Melbournians can easily identify the fellow members of their species by their black puffer jackets. 

Our public transport leaves a lot to be desired

Don’t pretend you’ve never tried to go to Fitzroy and instead somehow gotten on the express to Dandenong.

Our suburb names aren’t always easy to pronounce

Newbies to Melbin, be wary when you meet people from Pah-raan, Juh-long and Berrick. Do not under any circumstances pronounce them as Prahran, Geelong or Berwick or you might be shoved into an avocado truck and driven under the Montague Street Bridge.

Our cafes and restaurants can be a little bit whimsical

To stand out in a city filled with amazing places to eat, you have to find a unique niche.

We think ourselves highly superior to Sydney

The war between Sydney and Melbourne is simply there to distract us from our real enemy: Brisbane.